every ounce

it is taking every ounce of my being to not break down into the biggest and most overwhelming depression of my life so far.

i just want to cry, cry, cry...but i am fighting so hard not to because im afraid if i start....i will never stop.

my life is so far from where i wanted it to be. im not just off the track a little, i am soooo lost in the middle of woods and dont know east from west, north from south.

i keep telling everyone i am fine...im doing ok. better than expected. i keep showing my strong side to people all around me, but on the inside i am FREAKING OUT! i have so many fears. i just want to quit and freeze time right where it is because even though things arent great...they wont be able to get worse.

im sooooo scared of failing, being alone, being broke, losing what little i have left, not having any real friendships in the end, wasting time, being homeless, not being happy.

and in what order am i supposed to prioritize my fears??? how does one even know how to start all over when life takes a turn in the opposite direction? who does one trust when you think everyone is judging you or telling you advice that is superficial or in "their" best interest? how does one learn to live alone when they fear being lonely allllll the time? how does one find that happy medium place between what was and what may be?


and here the tears come....like a waterfall of emotions built up from the past 3-4 months or so.

i have friends, but do i really? who? which ones are "really" my friends...who will "actually" be their for me during the hard times and not just when im in a good mood? why do i always feel like i am initiating everything as of late...and that people (friends, co-workers, family) only go with the flow to avoid hurting my feelings? why why why...i have a million and one questions and thoughts, without any of the answers. do i really even want the answers?

im drowning in attention as of late...but is it all that great? is it really meaningful? maybe it's because i dont have a life and im just the "convenient" friend...the one who is almost always available. i dont know.

ok im done venting for now....just felt the need to let it all out. sorry...im just hormonal and emotional right now...ugh...being a girl sucks!