im still in love with him. i dont trust my feelings, my emotions, or him.

love stinks

trying to stay content being just me.
its a work in progress.

but a feeling just struck me. as they do so often so randomly.

i miss john. i still love john.

trying to miss him a little less each day.
trying to be happy without him a little more each day.


but i do miss john.

I would have loved you if you had let me in enough to try. I would taken a leap of faith in something I was unsure of because you were worth the risk to me. But you don't want me like that, you don't see me as worth the same risk. I miss you John. It hurts me that you don't miss me. But I'll eventually move forward and you still be stuck in your ways and alone. Someday you'll regret not taking a chance on me and you'll miss me and want me back. You'll realize I was perfect for you and your future but when you do it will be too late, I'll be long gone. I'll be happy and content alone or god I might even be happily with someone who values and appreciates everything I am and everything I have to offer. I hope you find true happiness and love without being cheating on! I do truly wish you the best as I care so deeply for you, more than I've even admitted to you!

left my door open with a letter.....just heard the knocking...

cautious.
nervous.
relieved.
happy.
scared.
hesitant.

here goes nothing....

miserable.

i miss you, but i am mad.
i miss you because i am sad.
you frustrate me.
you pick me up.
you confuse me more than i'd like.
you make me happy and also annoyed.
you make worry.
you make me feel worthy.



i text you...reaching out when i feel i am not the one who should...and you leave me unacknowledged. now i feel like nothing.

what am i getting myself into? are things going to fast? he doesnt hide things, but he doesnt volunteer extra info. i do not ask, as i am not privy to that information yet as i am not the gf. do i want to be? i dont know. what is this? we have spent 70 % of my free time together in the past 3 weeks. hmmm...but now i am going working two days in a row, then lax for 2.5 days, then work again....this will be the longest we've been apart....it will be interesting if he contacts me or not. hmmm

latest adventures and mishappens

missys birthday on wednesday was a little bit up and down for my mood, but all because of a boy. in the end though, 100% satisfied with the outcome. :) im happy! and he even texted me a couple hours after we separated!!

thursday evening was treasure island. again ups and downs with this adventure. unfortunately this adventure did not end on a high note like my wednesday adventure did. i pulled my mom card and packed my crap up at 4:30am and drove back home. i am not a happy camper about this entire situation and as a result of the drama i am not speaking to one of my friends. oh well....win some lose some.


and then work work work, finally sunday morning...a morning to sleep and sleep some more. lots of catching up to do on sleep....and of course that isnt even all that great. i woke up crying and freaking out. i had a terrible nightmare about my kitty, Cabo! :-(


this was not my morning. not my week. or was it? the good might just outweigh the crap !!!!!

feeling insecure lately.

Pretty Girl


Pretty girl is suffering,
while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
what his intentions were about

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

chorus:
Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual
with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to
be aware of evil men

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

Chorus

Pretty girl
Pretty girl
Pretty girl is suffering
while he confesses everthing
pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get him outta your head

its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind
its the way that he makes you fall in love

Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love, love


this song makes me think of someone i once was blinded with crazy feelings for.
god dang sam invading my dreams again. 

sun kissed

so i bought myself a tanning package today!!!

i refuse to be pale or have weird tan lines for the summer...and since the weather has been so nice lately....no better time to start than now!!!

im confused. i like you, i want you. you like me, but you arent sure if you want me.

life is constantly stinging me like an evil little bee.

some people are so small, yet try to act so big.


you will not break me.

so i was trying to be positive after the bad wednesday i had, in an effort to make thursday better....

however...my horrible luck spilled over into my dads world. one of his apartment buildings caught fire in an upstairs kitchen do to a grease fire on the stove. the entire building is a loss due to the extensive amount of both fire and water damage to the property. ooops...sorry dad :(


ok staying positive, happy times, happy thoughts. on the bright side no one was injured in the fire and dan texted me last night...so communication is still happening :)

up from here

yesterday was a horrible day...crappy....the days you wish you could replay over and over again or simply delete all together. SO WHAT!  today WILL be better, it has to be. it can only go up from here, right?!


well here's to trying!

trying on a new mood, new attitude, and focusing on the positive in my life and kissing the negative goodbye!

some days i think the world would be better off without me


today is one of those days.




i hate me.

ok so maybe valentines day isnt so bad afterall  :-)

i might actually like this boy

trust: apparently not something that just men are incapable of...


my guard is up.

are all men the same? do they all have horrible communication skills? or is that just the way they are with me? am i that girl? the one that is mildly attractive to them at first impression, then they change their minds and want nothing to do with me?

slightly apprehensive for the future few months...but also getting a little giddy and excited!

oh what a night what a night wednesday was....at least i made $20, got lunch on thursday, and lots of hardcore cuddle time.

i'll prob never fully understand and comprehend the male gender, but at least my walls are up and im just gonna have fun now :)

lets look at quick review of 2011:

-got really really sick, went to ER for ivs
-had an awesome joint bday party
-became asst manager
-went to mexico
-had a very drunk april fools day
-went to valleyfair
-went to a friends wedding :)
-spent a lot of really awesome time with sam (over summer)
-bought a house
-got hit in face by sam (not a good night)
-had a very lame halloween and thanksgiving
-got rear-ended in my car by a redneck
-met a guy, dave, and had a huge confidence booster
-spent all of xmas eve and xmas day at work
-had a very mediocre at best new years eve



so the start of 2011 was overall pretty darn amazing :) but then it started to go downhill fast during the second half of the year.


so lets take a look at one week into 2012 so far...

- got blown off by dave (guy i liked) on his bday by him leaving with another girl from the bar in front of me



yeah awesome!!!! so im going to go with the assumption beginning of 2012 will suck and the second of of the year will go uphill (opposite of last year) right?!?!?!?!!!! i hope. i need something wonderful to happen this year...but i'll be patient and wait for it. because honestly, i dont know if it happened today i would be able to fully appreciate wonderful right now since im so god dang bitter. haha.

as if i wasnt broken enough....this one broke my pieces into smaller pieces.


i fear it will take forever and a half to work through my emotional damage.