im still in love with him. i dont trust my feelings, my emotions, or him.

love stinks

trying to stay content being just me.
its a work in progress.

but a feeling just struck me. as they do so often so randomly.

i miss john. i still love john.

trying to miss him a little less each day.
trying to be happy without him a little more each day.


but i do miss john.

I would have loved you if you had let me in enough to try. I would taken a leap of faith in something I was unsure of because you were worth the risk to me. But you don't want me like that, you don't see me as worth the same risk. I miss you John. It hurts me that you don't miss me. But I'll eventually move forward and you still be stuck in your ways and alone. Someday you'll regret not taking a chance on me and you'll miss me and want me back. You'll realize I was perfect for you and your future but when you do it will be too late, I'll be long gone. I'll be happy and content alone or god I might even be happily with someone who values and appreciates everything I am and everything I have to offer. I hope you find true happiness and love without being cheating on! I do truly wish you the best as I care so deeply for you, more than I've even admitted to you!

left my door open with a letter.....just heard the knocking...

cautious.
nervous.
relieved.
happy.
scared.
hesitant.

here goes nothing....

miserable.

i miss you, but i am mad.
i miss you because i am sad.
you frustrate me.
you pick me up.
you confuse me more than i'd like.
you make me happy and also annoyed.
you make worry.
you make me feel worthy.



i text you...reaching out when i feel i am not the one who should...and you leave me unacknowledged. now i feel like nothing.

what am i getting myself into? are things going to fast? he doesnt hide things, but he doesnt volunteer extra info. i do not ask, as i am not privy to that information yet as i am not the gf. do i want to be? i dont know. what is this? we have spent 70 % of my free time together in the past 3 weeks. hmmm...but now i am going working two days in a row, then lax for 2.5 days, then work again....this will be the longest we've been apart....it will be interesting if he contacts me or not. hmmm