ok so i think i finally have my life's stress issues in order for the next 4 months...or so i thought.
i have everything almost figured out except im waiting on one person. i dont know if the reason behind why i havent heard anything is because they forgot or if this is a joke to prolong my suffering. i hate waiting. i got the A-ok from all but one and it's driving me nuts. what with this being the reason behind the bulk of my stress and panic for the last month or two...it's just not right to make a person wait like this. either it's a yes or a no.
so please dont make me wait any longer..pretty please. because it's not very nice to torture someone when you know this is the root of their stress. please just let me know.
i really do hope it's just that they forgot...because if this IS a joke to make me wait it out...i will not be happy...in fact i will be hurt.
that's all for now,
court
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
every ounce
it is taking every ounce of my being to not break down into the biggest and most overwhelming depression of my life so far.
i just want to cry, cry, cry...but i am fighting so hard not to because im afraid if i start....i will never stop.
my life is so far from where i wanted it to be. im not just off the track a little, i am soooo lost in the middle of woods and dont know east from west, north from south.
i keep telling everyone i am fine...im doing ok. better than expected. i keep showing my strong side to people all around me, but on the inside i am FREAKING OUT! i have so many fears. i just want to quit and freeze time right where it is because even though things arent great...they wont be able to get worse.
im sooooo scared of failing, being alone, being broke, losing what little i have left, not having any real friendships in the end, wasting time, being homeless, not being happy.
and in what order am i supposed to prioritize my fears??? how does one even know how to start all over when life takes a turn in the opposite direction? who does one trust when you think everyone is judging you or telling you advice that is superficial or in "their" best interest? how does one learn to live alone when they fear being lonely allllll the time? how does one find that happy medium place between what was and what may be?
and here the tears come....like a waterfall of emotions built up from the past 3-4 months or so.
i have friends, but do i really? who? which ones are "really" my friends...who will "actually" be their for me during the hard times and not just when im in a good mood? why do i always feel like i am initiating everything as of late...and that people (friends, co-workers, family) only go with the flow to avoid hurting my feelings? why why why...i have a million and one questions and thoughts, without any of the answers. do i really even want the answers?
im drowning in attention as of late...but is it all that great? is it really meaningful? maybe it's because i dont have a life and im just the "convenient" friend...the one who is almost always available. i dont know.
ok im done venting for now....just felt the need to let it all out. sorry...im just hormonal and emotional right now...ugh...being a girl sucks!
i just want to cry, cry, cry...but i am fighting so hard not to because im afraid if i start....i will never stop.
my life is so far from where i wanted it to be. im not just off the track a little, i am soooo lost in the middle of woods and dont know east from west, north from south.
i keep telling everyone i am fine...im doing ok. better than expected. i keep showing my strong side to people all around me, but on the inside i am FREAKING OUT! i have so many fears. i just want to quit and freeze time right where it is because even though things arent great...they wont be able to get worse.
im sooooo scared of failing, being alone, being broke, losing what little i have left, not having any real friendships in the end, wasting time, being homeless, not being happy.
and in what order am i supposed to prioritize my fears??? how does one even know how to start all over when life takes a turn in the opposite direction? who does one trust when you think everyone is judging you or telling you advice that is superficial or in "their" best interest? how does one learn to live alone when they fear being lonely allllll the time? how does one find that happy medium place between what was and what may be?
and here the tears come....like a waterfall of emotions built up from the past 3-4 months or so.
i have friends, but do i really? who? which ones are "really" my friends...who will "actually" be their for me during the hard times and not just when im in a good mood? why do i always feel like i am initiating everything as of late...and that people (friends, co-workers, family) only go with the flow to avoid hurting my feelings? why why why...i have a million and one questions and thoughts, without any of the answers. do i really even want the answers?
im drowning in attention as of late...but is it all that great? is it really meaningful? maybe it's because i dont have a life and im just the "convenient" friend...the one who is almost always available. i dont know.
ok im done venting for now....just felt the need to let it all out. sorry...im just hormonal and emotional right now...ugh...being a girl sucks!
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