update

so for those of you who have not heard yet....i am an official homeowner...in escrow and all that jazz now!!!
i love love love my house. i instantly felt at home here, never adjusted so quickly to a huge change before. this must be a good sign :)


i recently got a raise at work...which is simply awesome because anything extra will help now that i have a mortgage payment. frankly it was about flippen time that famvid raised my pay. god knows im way more valuable than what i get paid.

things with andy are on civil and positive terms again (we had a falling out a few weeks ago).

sam is treating me almost 100% normal again and has been borderline nice. we saw each other/hung out three days in a row...thats almost a record for us. ha ha

im sooo looking forward to a weekend away from eau claire for josh and rheannas wedding! should be an good time (august 6th)

cautiously back on facebook

so a week has flown by and out of mild curiosity i reactivated my facebook account. it seems i've missed nothing exciting or dire.  for now i am back on facebook cautiously but am considering re-deactivating it just for the pure satisfaction of not "needing" it anymore.  it had turned into a habit, a daily necessity for me.  now it merely a curiosity.  i am not disappointed that i reactivated it because i met my goal and was really proud that during that time i had no real desire to sneak a peek at all.  so i feel the weeks time away was a success!

priority is not facebook or any of that mumbo jumbo....priority as of right now is packing to move.  i found out i have friday and exactly only friday to get all of my stuff (well the big stuff that cannot fit into my car) moved into the house before nightfall.  my dad and uncle are bringing up the truck and trailer to help.  mom is driving up to help move stuff and clean.  and my brother is meeting us early to mid evening to help us finish up.

OMG im actually nervous...really nervous. i wish i had a boy to stay with me the first few nights there....i find comfort in that thought...i hate sleeping in new places im not yet situated and adjusted to. ugh.

but more importantly i pray to god that it doesnt rain...and that if it does it chooses to do so a) before we start moving stuff and get it out of its system or b) it waits until night to rain. eeeeek *crosses fingers*

6 days

6 days until I close on my house...yikes. I'm definitely getting nervous and kind of have that weird feeling in my tummy about it.  I'm both happy and sad to move forward with this.  I'm super excited to have more space, to have all of my belongings in one place, to have a garage/yard/basement!!! I'm excited to have a place where I can feel comfortable having more than 1 person over. I'm looking forward to living on a road that will most likely be plowed ASAP!!!  But it's true I am sad to leave my apartment.  I love my apartment.  It's absolutely perfect for just me.  I like that I have neighbors I chit chat with in passing.  I enjoy being this close to work, so I can procrastinate taking movies back and be lazy in getting ready for work because it takes like 3 minutes to get to work from here.  I will be a little disappointed not living this close to sam too....it made it easy to say yes to him; however, this will be a goooooooood thing....it will give me a solid reason to start saying no and break the bad habit.


I don't really need a roommate financially right away (or if ever), but a roommate would just lessen the load for me.  I wouldn't be stretched so thin each month, but I'll make it work.  However, a roommate might be nice to have someone to talk to, come home to, hang out with when doing nothing at all.  I'm not sure though...we'll see. I'm definitely not opposed to a roommate, but I will be and should be picky about who I'll consider.  So far, the offer has only been out there to one person back when I first starting looking for houses.  That offer I'll stand by because I know it wouldn't be a bad or uncomfortable one.  It would probably work out really nicely...but there could be other people that might also provide the same situation.  No decisions will be made one way or the other until I'm settled in....either mid-August or by September 1st.


6 days!!!!!

unpretty

this is what i am. :(

blocking not only facebook...but the entire world out

I find it amusing that my horoscope for today on yahoo (which I check regularly, but typically find no meaning or importance from) is as follows:

"Take stock of the blessings in your life -- it is a great way to stay positive."

It's just so ironically amusing because today of all days, I felt the least bit positive and certainly am doubting I have any blessings in my life except for good health and my family.  Perhaps one might think I am selfish, immature, and am taking the things and people in my life for granted....or put more bluntly, that I'm a spoiled rotten brat.  Frankly, I could care less what anyone thinks of me or how I am feeling right now. If you don't like it, go screw yourself.  I am fed up with people telling me I have so much going for me and to be grateful for, blah blah blah....yeah I know....I don't have a bad life. I get it. But that certainly does not mean I have a good one or one worth bragging about.  No! In fact, in this very moment (at 12:56 am) I feel pathetic, lonely, unappreciated, unworthy, and disliked. Why? Excellent question...

Lately, I feel like my world is falling apart.  I am no longer "happy" with my job. I, actually, hate it some days.  The thought of me hating my job would have never crossed my mind at any moment in the past year..year and a half that I have been with Family Video.  Unfortunately now my opinion has changed.  I feel under-appreciated, undervalued, and constantly stressed.  I'm sick and tired of the managers above me not leading by example and putting in that extra effort that they should.  Yet, they expect me and all of my part-timers to give 110% and then some.  I am so over it. If I had not just recently purchased a house, I would be packing my bags and moving back to La Crosse and would work for Grant.  To be completely honest, I'm still kind of thinking about it how I could rent out the house for a year and put it back on the market.  That way I would be able to still be an assistant manager for famvid in La Crosse, live with my mom and save money for a year, and work for my dad part time cleaning apartments and make $15/hr.  I doubt I'll go that route, but I'm not ruling it out as an option at this point.  I don't necessarily want to run away from my problems here in Eau Claire, but god would that make it way easier to get over them more quickly.

So what else?  Here's what else.  I feel like I have no friends...no friends that I can legitimately trust or talk to about anything without the fear of judgment and harsh criticisms.  It's like one moment everything is perfect and I have all of these friends; and I attempt to include everyone, so as not to leave anyone out. Everyone gets along great and its the ideal situation.  Then before I know it...they are all hanging out without me and not a single one sends an invite my way or decides to offer to include me.  It feels like I have been voted off the island and completely deserted.  And then on top of that, I have been depressed lately and just wanted an ear to listen to me vent; instead, I get unsolicited harsh opinions thrown in my face from an unsympathetic "friend."  In addition to basically being compared to a flippen pathetic puppy dog following around a boy. Really? Because that's exactly what I need and want to hear when I'm already down in the dumps.  So not only am I a loser apparently chasing a guy that I can never have, I end up being a horrible, neglectful friend by doing so. AWESOME!

I can never win. And if I can never win, what's the point in trying anymore? Honestly people...what is the flippen point?? Am I that screwed up?  I guess so.  So, it's a pretty darn good thing that I am leaving to go to La Crosse for the next couple of days because if this were not the case, I would probably be balling my eyes out for two and half days straight.   I have never felt so low before and abandoned/let down by my current group of friends.  I need some good, solid family time as a healthy distraction.  And yes, this means that my deactivated facebook status stands.  I haven't even really been tempted to reactivate it yet.

So, what is my horoscope for the new day?? Oh, it's almost as good, if not better than today's.

"Locking away your negative feelings is just as bad for you as overeating."

So, in an effort to follow at least one of my horoscopes comes this blog post. I hope you enjoyed my negative feelings as much as I did. NOT.  This was just the tip of the iceberg of my negative feelings.  I could go on and on about the rest of them and in much more detail, but then I would be up for hours and would get all riled up/sad which would not end well since I have to open the store tomorrow.  So this will have to suffice.

I'm done with pretty much everything and everyone for now.  The only things I plan to focus on for the next week or two include my family and my house.  The rest (i.e. work) is just filler...because I have no other choice but to go.

message to facebook world

"working 10 hrs today. its not a holiday for me. my life feels more messed up and off track than ever before. so starting now im taking a vacation....a vacation from facebook...i need to try to regain my focus....bye"



i am making it a challenge and a necessary step to regain what i have lose in my life. my focus, my drive, my hunger for life.  right now i am just coasting and coasting where? i havent a clue. i need to get a clue...i am going to take a week, maybe two off of facebook because it is just one giant distraction and at the same time one heavy weight holding me back from moving forward.

facebook has made it easy to stalk, following the lives of those you want to know whats going on but are too chicken or not close enough to ask. no more. no more wondering will sam ever unblock me and end this cruel power trip.  no more wondering has grant been on facebook...is there anything new.  no more wondering is andy seeing someone else officially yet.  what about my my friends....whats going on  in their life....let me just pull up facebook and take a peek. LAME. this is not how relationships should be. if i want to know...i will ask and if someone wants to know about me...they'll ask if they really care.


goal: one week hiatus

true challenge:  two weeks



here goes nothing....

blocked

i blocked andy. im torn up by this. i just want to cry, keep crying really....unfortunately i have to go to work until 12:30am tonight. i miss andy, i miss talking to andy....but we only talk when i make the effort. he claims he still cares and wants to be friends. i think he's lying. if he wanted this, he would make some sort of effort too, would he not?

life sucks. i hate that i deleted andy. but he doesnt care anymore...so i should just make it easier on him and delete myself. so that i dont keep interrupting his life.   :(